Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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