i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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