She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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