I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
