if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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