she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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