I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
