Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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