I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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