I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
