Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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