Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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