I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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