so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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