i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
