he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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