everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
