Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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