I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
