i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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