I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
