So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
