My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize