so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
