I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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