the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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