take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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