Your face is a jimmy john
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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