Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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