I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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