I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
