if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
