dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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