goodnight i made you a song goodbye
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize