put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
