Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
