Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
