Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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