Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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