I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
