is your mom at the bar?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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