i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
