I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
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