if i can run in heels then i can drive
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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