Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
