I'm going to jail i love you
just come out here and I will go home with you...
I faked an abortion last night.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize