We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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