How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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