I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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