Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
My life is pants optional.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
