i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
