Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize