I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
