I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize