On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
