Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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