The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
