i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
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