maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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