How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
