i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
