: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
